I remember running to my dads room crying, as if I had committed the worst crime.
“Dad…” I sobbed…
“How do I know if I love him or not?”
“How do I know if I love him enough?”
“What if I’m more attracted to other people?”
“What if I need to leave this relationship?”
"What if he's not the One?"
He looked at me and responded with comforting words…
“Kiyomi, love is a choice.”
“Despite how you may be feeling or thinking right now… You have the ability to choose.”
To be honest, there were so many times when the obsessions and compulsions would rule my mind to the point where I couldn’t even leave my house. It was hard for me to see friends, it was hard for me to see movies, listen to songs. Basically everything was a trigger. All I could do was check to see if there were any feelings of “being in love” or check to see if what I was feeling for my partner was right or if he was “The One”.
After I would compulsively check… I would find some sort of instant relief…
“Okay, I DO love my partner.”
But then a couple minutes later.. I would spiral back down again…
It was a complete, endless cycle.
I felt alone, confused, terrified and extremely afraid.
I wanted an answer so badly.
I would google endlessly for hours on end until I was mentally burnt out.
And luckily, when I found the term ROCD/RA, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
Reaching out asking for help was a huge part of my progress.
But, it took a lot of trial to find the right therapists. Maybe you've felt this way, too...
✔️ You’ve resisted support because you didn’t want to hear that you have to leave your relationship.
✔️ You haven’t reached out because therapy and other courses were too expensive.
✔️ You didn’t want to “find out” that you needed to leave your partner or find a “truth”.
✔️ You were scared to do deeper work, and look “within” because you didn’t want to find an answer that you didn’t want.
I get it. I felt the exact same way. But... I learned that my fears were opposite from what I thought would come true.
I saw therapist, coaches, counselors, had mentors and read over hundred of studies on ROCD/RA. Overtime… after working through the ROCD/RA, I started to find more peace from it all. The intrusive thoughts started to fade away and the compulsions started to fade out.
But... fast forward to now…
I haven’t experienced Relationship OCD/Relationship Anxiety for years.
and last year...
I was looking at my husband, boyfriend of 11 years (who stuck with me on the journey of ROCD/RA).
I was sitting next to him at our honeymoon, and gazing into his eyes with ease, happiness and the deepest love.
I found freedom from ROCD/RA.
and most importantly...
I have happily stayed with my partner throughout it all and our love is stronger than ever.